Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Week #4 Eureka
Hi everyone, its Eureka time again. I’ve been on such an honest streak so why not continue. This week’s reading dealt with opposite sex friendship and although I responded on the DB I kept that on target with the text book. I’m using this blog to put my real life experiences out for everyone to read. So here goes...I am not going to criticize everyone that has had or held an opposite sex friendship but for me personally it does not work. I had a couple of close opposite sex friendships that all ended in the same manner…either I wound up liking them or they wound up liking me. It just wound up being a bad situation. My last male friendship was with a male at my work. We had a lot in common and enjoyed joking around during the day. He was someone that I was not attracted to in a sexual manner. We were friends for about a year when he started having marital problems and began venting to me about his wife. Being a woman naturally I was a good listener and consoler. He eventually expressed his love for me and I was dumbfounded. I had no idea what to say or do. I transferred departments shortly after to move away from him. I still talk to him but in a very limited fashion. Since then I have not thought about having a male friendship with anyone. I will give anyone a chance because I’m too afraid. For so many years I felt so bad and guilty and was relieved to find out from our text that the feelings were only natural due to gender norms. Since my encounter I no longer pursue or encourage opposite sex friendships because I just don’t see it as a possibility. Everything seems to start out ok but the more you share the closer you get and then you become vulnerable.
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This is interesting to hear your experiences and I am sorry to hear they always have to end this way. I mean I have been friends with a girl since I was in 1st grade and maybe when you become so close so young it is different then when your an adult. I find it rather interesting how you become someone who thinks you are just there as a shoulder to lean on then they throw you a curve ball and express themselves to you in a way you did not think was possible. What makes it worse is you don't want to be the reason he leaves his wife nor will you feel the same after he expresses himself to you. I think why guys don't express themselves to women is they are afraid of what happened to him. Being to open will only lead them to loosing the person so they hold everything in that is why men are the way they are when it comes to talking about things.
ReplyDeleteNeeru, it is exactly your experience that causes me to always truly check my motives at a very deep level whenever I am in a friendship with a member of the opposite sex. I can lie to others, but I can't lie to myself and if I can't be honest then the friendship was a sham to begin with. If I feel physical attraction to someone early on in a friendship, I get out of denial and accept that I will probably want more and end it right away. It's just one of those things I have learned that I need to do so I can maintain my integrity.
ReplyDeleteNeeru, Do you feel it would have been possible to clarify your position in the relationship and then maintain a friendship? It seems to me your right, no matter what the issue will come up. I just believe that people can move on from those feelings and sustain meaningful friendships with boundaries. I speak from my own experience so I partial. And I'm like Chris where I've had my friendships since I was young, so maybe he's right-maybe developing them at a young age makes them less vulnerable to sexuality issues. I just feel like your missing out on a very insightful and meaningful experience by not having male friends. Don't give up-you'll meet someone who will be mature enough to handle your friendship in a strictly platonic manner!
ReplyDeleteThis is a good one. I've seen your case happen a bunch of times; my friend's current girlfriend had the exact same situation happen to her with this guy she knew; but he was 36 and she was 19, so that made it a little weird.
ReplyDeleteI really think even this situation can turn into 2 people still remaining friends; I think it depends on the person who has romantic feelings keeping them in check (that is if he's really interested in keeping this person in his life). Some poeple just don't get it though and will constantly persue; if this was the case then you were smart for switching departments. You probably weren't meant to be friends in the first place.
I've even had relationships or crushes that wound up turning into friendships, so it is possible. It depends on who you're dealing with. I understand that some of my female friends that I think are hot don't return the favor, and I can accept that. They're too important in my life for me to lose them though. I know it's tough too since you need to know a person for a while to know what they're really about and I can't tell you how to live, but I wouldn't say just give up on having male friends, because not every man's the same. It is possible, and I've got a bunch of examples to back me up